A Definite Maybe

I remember reading one of these profiler articles a long time ago, and I made sure not to look at it so I could use all of my own ideas.

Here goes:
1. The Roid Man
If you have ever seen a man with acne, patches of hair missing, and jaundice, you may have ran into The Roid Man. Based on his appearance alone, one could assume that this guy is on steroids or raging alcoholic. Either way, no one will ever so much as whisper a comment around him in the gym to prevent the ticking time bomb from possibly exploding. If you ever see this guy working out, he will most likely be lifting what the average patron considers a ridiculous amount of weight on any given machine/exercise. Roid Man may occasionally bring his girlfriend, who is also stronger than you, to do a couple of workouts as well.

2. The Narcissist
This guy/girl absolutely positively cannot stay away from the mirrors in the gym. The Narcissist will be in exceptional shape, but one wonders how they got in that shape based on the time they spend absorbed in their reflection. It will be very rare that you see this person actually working out on any equipment. If the gym were to ever experience a catastrophe such as a rampant fire, The Narcissist will likely be the only victim of the tragedy.

3. The Hulk
The Hulk is the only person that works out at your gym that is as legitimately as strong as the Roid Man. However, unlike the Roid Man, the Hulk only exhibits one distiguishing attribute–his massive size. Upon initial contact with The Hulk, your first instinct will be to stare in awe as the Hulk will likely be the largest muscular human being you have ever seen in your entire life. You will then wonder how you have never seen a man this big outside of the gym. Your next question will be, “Why on earth does anyone need to get that big?” The only man that needs to get as big as the Hulk is a man who wakes up every morning, and someone bigger than him beats the living shit out of him before he can get out of bed.

4. The Mini-Hulk
Upon initial contact with The Hulk, your first instinct will be to stare in awe as the Mini-Hulk will likely be the shortest muscular human being you have ever seen in your entire life. The Mini-Hulk is not quite as strong as the Hulk, and he is about two feet shorter. However, the Mini-Hulk is by no means to be underestimated because he is easily 17-times stronger than you. The Mini-Hulk will likely date a girl that is taller than him.

5. The Omnipresent guy
Every time you come to the gym, The Omnipresent guy is there. It does not matter if you go morning, noon, evening, midnight, holiday, or the day of the apocalypse, he is there. At first, you may think he works there or that he is a personal trainer. However, you will soon find out that he’s just constantly working out. It’s difficult to tell if this guy retired at an early age and just works out everyday or if he’s just a bum who lives somewhere in the gym.

6. The Owner
Realistically, two or more people can work out on the same piece of given equipment by simultaneously switching off between sets. However, no one ever explained this concept to The Owner. If you’ve ever tried to workout on a machine, and a man from halfway across the gym comes up to claim that he’s using the machine—you’ve met The Owner. The Owner will seemingly be working out on every single machine in the gym even if he appears to be no where near the equipment. Either that, or The Owner is suffering from Mysophobia.

7. The Hot Girl
The Hot Girl occasionally shows up to do her workouts. When she walks by, time appears to freeze and everyone makes it completely obvious that they’re blatantly staring at her. Every step she takes, she breaks a neck of spectator. As if that wasn’t enough, The Hot Girl uses all of the machines that are sexually suggestive. She may start out doing a groin exercise and work her way up to the Butt Blaster. The Hot Girl usually wears spandex pants or any type of outfit that reveals her every curve. The Hot Girl is not allowed to be in the gym often as studies have shown male patron workout routines become significantly mediocre in her presence.

8. The Employee
The Employee is so pressed for time that he comes to the gym wearing the same clothes he went to work with. Normally, this wouldn’t seem out of the ordinary, but The Employee is usually wearing steel-toe boots and a UPS/Fedex uniform. The warning labels on the wall that suggest “proper gym attire should be worn at all times” fall to a blind eye when it comes to The Employee.

9. Arms
You won’t ever catch Arms working on any muscle group outside of biceps and triceps. Arms will have biceps and triceps so large that there will likely not be a shirt available for purchase to keep him covered. This guy has arms that are almost as large as the Hulk, but his legs are the size of two toothpicks. For this reason, Arms will usually wear sweat pants to disguise his weakness. Arms will likely be employed at a company that specializes in unskilled boulder crushing.

10. The Nudist
If you ever go to the bathroom, you might find The Nudist. The Nudist is as naked as the day he was born, and he is an awkward moment waiting to happen upon the sight of him. This is one of those people who utilize every aspect of the gym membership possible. They will shower, shave, brush their teeth, eat, poop, exercise, and meditate in the facilities. The Nudist may occasionally greet you in the men’s room to make for an even more unfortunate moment in time.

I’m writing this blog as I’m eating a double-meat Wendy’s burger, large fry, chicken nuggets, and a large tea.

I’ve come to realize that dieting is tough work. And by dieting, I don’t just mean losing weight. This is especially true if you are a food connoisseur like me. There is nothing I’d rather do than sit around all day and cook/sample different types of delicious food. I tried to lose three pounds in a week for a 5k run that I participated in last Saturday, and I barely loss two pounds. On the day of the race, I can safely say it was still a mission to carry all of my weight for 3.1 miles.

I don’t know how many calories I take in daily, but I know it must be some outrageous number—this has been the case for many years. Some of my most distinct fatty moments in history were back in my late high school, early college years. I could literally go to a Waffle House, order two T-Bone Steaks, two scrambled eggs, a double-cheese burger, and double hash browns (scattered, smothered, chunked for all of the WH-addicts out there) and still have room for more. I guess you could safely say that my wallet was the only boundary between my appetite and gluttony. Although I weighed ~125lbs, I could literally eat more food than any of my friends of all shapes and sizes. It’s almost like I never got “full”.

I thought gaining weight was the most difficult task in the world to accomplish. My metabolism was completely insane as I seemingly never put on a pound (even after three huge meals a day). I was also into track/cross country so my weight was ideal for the events that I competed in. Four years and fifty pounds later, I’m finding that losing weight, while retaining muscle mass, is just as hard. Part of me wants to become more competitive in cross country, but that means that I will look like a paper clip. I don’t think I’m ready to go down that road again.

Thankfully, I am very gracious to have the option to go up and down in weight due to the abundance of resources that are available to me. But still, it feels rather tasteless to complain about gaining weight when there are people who don’t have the option elsewhere. Besides, America is the only country where people go hunting on a full stomach.

So all of my stuff was deleted during the server migration (including all of the Alzheimer project stuff).  I moved about 50 domains within the past week, but I somehow neglected to move my own before I killed the old server.

I’ll restart this blog with some really interesting stuff very soon….maybe even tomorrow.